L A Woman Read online

  “LAB-GEPO?” Davester asked.

  “You remember, the LA Basin Geologist and Earthquake Prevention Organization. I told you about it at the Mongolian.”

  “Oh sure, yeah,” Davester said as his eyes darted around.

  Bob-O started to move but I patted his shoulder hard enough to hold him in place. He said, “Professor McCawley, we really have to go. We’ve got an important meeting right now.”

  I peered at him, then at Davester, “You fellows are here for the audition, aren’t you?”

  “Yes, how did you know?”

  “Professor Johnson is putting them in a safe place as we speak.”

  They looked at each other with panic, “But…but…”

  “And I came in the bathroom to make sure everyone stays in here until we give the all-clear.” I patted the walls, “Sturdiest room in this entire structure.”

  Davester’s eyes glinted with tears, “But this is our big chance.”

  I said, “Hey, Don’t you worry. I’ll take care of it. You may be a little delayed, but I will make sure, in fact, I will promise you that you will get to audition today.”

  “You can do that?”

  “LAB-GEPO’s authority even extends over the motion picture industry. Heck, the Pentagon can’t do what we do.”

  “Wow.”

  “So don’t worry.”

  “Okay.”

  I said, “I need for you to do me one favor, though. It’s important.”

  Bob-O said, “What is it?”

  “I need for both of you to keep washing your hands until I come back and give you the okay.”

  “With soap?”

  “Yes. It’s very important.”

  Davester asked, “Why?”

  “You’ll be helping everyone in this structure, and you know how?”

  “Uh, no.” Bob-O said.

  “Because, if another nano-quake strikes and sets up a destructive harmonic vibration, we will have only moments to prepare everyone before this whole thing collapses. You will be the ones who sound the alarm.”

  Davester said, “I…still don’t understand how washing our hands-”

  I sighed, “Its simple quantum physics and fractal plythagorims. With the water running through the pipes, it picks up any pre-signatures of quakes or pseudo-quakes, but this can only be detected by human hands, which have the unique ability to feel the vibrations in the water.”

  “But you said to use soap, too.”

  “Certainly. How else are you going to break the surface tension on your fingers and palms enough to feel the water vibes? Soap does that.”

  “I understand now.”

  “Good,” I said. “Now, can I count on you two stalwarts for this?”

  “You bet,” Bob-O said, and Davester nodded.

  “Okay, if you feel an earthquake in the water, yell out but don’t leave here, okay?” They nodded. I walked to the urinal and said, “I’ll be back as fast as possible, but first I have to make a number one.”

  I came out of the bathroom and saw Colleen was back, so I sauntered over to them.

  “You better now?” Hondo said.

  “Yep.”

  Colleen said, “We have to give the other two actors a few minutes more, then if they aren’t here you can go in and read for David.”

  I leaned against the wall, “Take your time.”

  Hondo narrowed his eyes, “What did you do?”

  I spread my hands, “Hey, we’re good here. I’m just trying to go with the flow.”

  “You. Going with the flow.”

  “I am enjoying the journey. It’s quite freeing, actually.”

  Colleen shook her head and said, “Never mind, you two go on in.”

  David Gleason and his team were in the same positions as last time, with the exception of an additional camera. David said, “We’ll shoot both of you at the same time, so this should be easier for you.”

  We found our marks and David said, “Hondo, give me your slate, then Ronny, you can give yours. As soon as Ronny finishes and you two are ready, you can begin. Any questions?”

  I raised my hand. David said, “Yes?”

  “How come he gets to slate first?”

  David looked at me a long second, then the corners of his mouth turned up the tiniest bit. He said, “Because Hondo’s taller. Now get started.”

  **

  When we came out of the meeting room, I felt euphoric. Colleen said, “How did it go?”

  “He told us we did a good job.” I said.

  “Good sign,” she said. “He doesn’t usually comment like that.”

  Hondo said, “Don’t forget there are four others auditioning.”

  I said, “I know, Mr. Party-Pooper.”

  “I’m just saying,” Hondo said.

  Colleen said, “You two need to go celebrate.”

  Hondo said, “I think we will.”

  As we walked off, Colleen said, “Call me sometime.”

  We both said, “I will.”

  “I think she was talking to me.” I said.

  “Uh-huh.”

  “No, really. Couldn’t you tell?”

  “I didn’t hear her say ‘Ronny’.”

  “Subliminally she did.”

  “Oh, subliminally. I guess I did miss that.”

  “It’s okay. Don’t lose any sleep over it.”

  “I won’t.”

  Before we got out the door I said, “Wait a sec,” and I walked to the bathroom. Bob-O and Davester were still there washing their now baby-pink hands.

  “Good news fellows, the emergency is over.”

  “We can stop?”

  “Yep. And good job, too, by the way.”

  Davester looked at his hands and said, “My fingers are pruned.”

  “And I appreciate the sacrifice,” I said.

  They dried their hands and Bob-O said, “Did you have a chance…”

  “Your auditions.” They nodded. “It’s set. Go to the meeting room when you leave here and they’ll take you right in.”

  They shook my hand and said, “Thank you so much, Professor.”

  I said, “You fellows came through in a pinch for me. It’s the least I can do. Now, go into that meeting room and knock them dead.”

  We walked out together and Bob-O and Davester saw Hondo. They waved, and Bob-O said, “Hi Professor Johnson!”

  “Take care, fellows,” I said, and walked over to join Hondo as they made a beeline for Colleen.

  Hondo said, “What did you do, tie them up in the bathroom until we finished?”

  “No such thing. We just talked a little, that’s all.”

  “How come their hands are so pink?”

  I pushed open the door and said, “Beats me.”

  The next day we made so many phone calls I thought my ear was going to fall off. I turned it toward Hondo and said, “Do I have wrestler’s ear? Is it cauliflowered?”

  “No, you have elf ears.”

  “Hey!”

  “They are. They’re pointy on top.”

  I felt of them, “Not that pointy.”

  Hondo said, “Don’t worry, Legolas. It’s not that noticeable.”

  “Very funny,” I leaned back in my chair and said, “So what now?”

  “All we can do is wait for something to break. We’ve got everybody looking so it’s just a matter of time.”

  “So be patient.”

  “I know it’s hard for you, but yes.”

  And that was what we did. The police had a lookout and warrant for John Wesley, and we still hadn’t been able to locate Magilla. In addition, Atticus and his loony cousins hadn’t gotten back to us with anything, including my cell phone. So we goofed around, looked for auditions, went to the beach, drank coffee, went out to eat, took naps, and worked out in Archie’s gym.

  Then we got the call, or rather Archie did. He came over as we rode stationary bikes for our cool down and said, “You got them.”

  I said, “Got them?”

  A
rch said, “Gleason called. You got the parts in Michael Bay’s movie.”

  We both stopped pedaling. Archie grinned at us, then slapped me on the shoulder so hard it almost knocked me off the bike. He said, “They’ll send over the contracts and scripts later. He said to tell you to be ready, that they’ll be kicking it into high gear in a few days.”

  “Thanks, Arch,” Hondo said.

  “You two deserved a break. You’ve worked hard on this and done all the right things, so it was time. Glad I could bring you the news.”

  We were giddy the rest of the day, but still managed to make a few more calls to locate Jett Sunday.

  That evening we watched Lock and Load. I’ll say one thing; Marcus is a heck of a cinematographer. He caught all of the action, moving from person to person as it happened and not once did he cut someone off at the shoulders or have any of us in half-frame. Of course, his camerawork also showed how fast John Wesley was with a pistol. Faster than me, faster than Hondo. Faster than anybody I could think of, except maybe our Border Patrol friend Hunter Kincaid. I’d hate to bet on the outcome of that one.

  Our phone rang fifteen minutes after the show ended. I put it on the speakerphone. “Ohmygod ohmygod, ohmygod, that was fantastic!” Emma said. “You two are honest and true action heroes!”

  “That’s us,” I said, “He’s Honest and I’m True. We’re the Action Detectives, as opposed to just regular plain old private detectives.” Emma made a sound like she was choking on a lifesaver, then I realized she was attempting to laugh.

  Emma said, “Oh Ronny, your humor is fantastic! It’s great that Hondo has a comical sidekick like you.”

  I sat up in my chair as Hondo held his hand up to me in an, I know, I know gesture. He said, “Emma, are you calling just to tell us it was a good show?”

  “Oh my, no! It’s better than that. We’re going national. They picked us up! Nightline is doing a special on the show tomorrow, too, and The Tonight Show wants to book me for next week! Isn’t this just fantastic news?”

  Fantastic must be the new buzzword in Hollywood, is what I figured.

  “That’s great, Emma. Did you get any calls on the girl?”

  “No, no calls on her. Lots of calls from women about you two wonder boys, though. Isn’t that fantastic?”

  I leaned toward Hondo and whispered, “If she says fantastic one more time, I’m going to hurl.”

  “What was that, Ronny? I couldn’t make it out.”

  I started to speak but Hondo was out of his chair and had one hand on my mouth as he leaned down to the speakerphone, “Ronny said that was fantastic news, and he’s in a hurry to do more segments.”

  “Fantastic, Ronny. I feel the same way!”

  Hondo shook his finger at me and tried to hold down a grin and as he silently mouthed, Quit it. I made a fake barfing motion, then settled down. Hondo said, “Great news, Emma. I guess we’ll see Marcus in the morning, get started on the next one.”

  To her credit, Emma didn’t use the F word. “Goodnight boys. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.”

  CHAPTER 11

  I was first in the office the next morning and hadn’t even sat down when the phone rang. I looked at Caller ID and saw my name calling the office.

  I said, “Hello, is this Ronny Baca calling Ronny Baca?” I heard hoots and laughter in the background.

  Atticus said, “Hey Holmes, I got you on speaker.”

  “You three come up with anything?”

  “Uh-huh. We got the translation for you.”

  I got a pen and paper. “Go ahead.”

  “CMARM…SN.”

  “What?”

  “CMARM, then SN, like two things.”

  “What language was it in?”

  “One of the chicas was from the Republic of Georgia. Said it was Georgian. That was lucky, too. Because she said it was one of the world’s unique alphabets.”

  “Luck is always good,” I said. “What do the letters mean?”

  “Holmes, we just got the translation, not the meaning. She didn’t have any idea.”

  “Yeah, well thanks. Say, when are you going to bring my phone?” More snickering.

  Atticus said, “Oh, in about five seconds.” They opened the door and came inside. Everyone was grinning. Atticus put the phone on my desk.

  I said, “What kind of bill am I going to have this month?”

  “Oh, not much.”

  “Really?”

  “Well, maybe a little more. Consider it our translation fee.”

  I sighed, “Okay.”

  “Catch you later,” Oscar said and they left, laughing as they closed the door.

  I picked up my phone and examined it. No scratches, no dents. I saw it was off, so I pushed the power button. Hondo walked in and saw what I was doing. He stopped behind me to look over my shoulder. When the screen saver came on, I was looking at an image of Atticus and his cronies mooning me.

  Hondo said, “Is there something you want to tell me?”

  “Ha-ha.”

  “What did they come up with for the translation?”

  “CMARM and S,N.”

  Hondo thought for a moment, then said, “Come on.”

  “But I haven’t had coffee yet, or even food.”

  “I’ll get you something on the way.”

  “A breakfast steak?”

  “Ha-ha.”

  Marcus came up as we stepped out the door and I locked it behind us.

  “Where to?” He said.

  As we walked to the GTO, I said, “Hondo’s taking us for a breakfast steak and egg and waffle meal.”

  “But I already ate.”

  “Hey, you’re running with the big dogs now, you gotta keep up.”

  Hondo said, “Relax Marcus, only one of us is going to be disappointed this morning.” He glanced at me out of the corner of his eyes and grinned as he jingled the keys to the GTO, “After all, I’m driving.”

  I patted my pockets, “When did you do that?”

  “I saw your attention was fixed on several full moons. Seemed like the opportune time.”

  “Moons, like people’s butts?” Marcus asked.

  “It’s best you don’t know,” Hondo said as he got behind the wheel and started the car.

  “You’re a riot,” I said.

  That made Hondo laugh.

  Hondo drove through traffic and said, “I think the message means the Chateau Marmont sign.”

  I said, “You mean he left a message in neon?”

  Hondo shook his head, “Noooo.”

  “How’d you come up with that?” I asked.

  Hondo shrugged, “I thought about where he was, that he was wounded and they were closing in fast. CMARM is for Chateau Marmont and it’s not S,N, like separate letters, but SN, short for sign.”

  I thought a second and said, “Only in LA would some CIA spook think to leave a secret message on a world famous sign, so you may be right. It sure couldn’t happen anywhere else.”

  **

  We drove past the Chateau Marmont and parked, then walked back along Sunset to the entrance.

  “Okay, now what,” I said.

  Marcus filmed as Hondo led the way to the large sign on its metal pole. Hondo said, “Look for something.”

  “Like what?”

  “You’re a private detective, look for a clue.”

  “I…am an ac-tor. I only work occasionally as a private detective.”

  “Okay, then act like you’re looking for a clue.”

  “I can do that.”

  Marcus stayed by the street and filmed us as we snooped around the area at the base of the sign. He said, “Ronny, don’t turn your butt towards the camera so much, it fills the frame.”

  I straightened up and looked at him. He laughed and said, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

  “Ha-ha, everybody’s a comedian today.” While I was standing, I glanced at the bottom edge of the sign above me. Something was there, along the inside edge near the support p
ole. At first, I thought it was a smudge.

  It wasn’t. There were small numbers, written in what looked like dried blood. It was barely noticeable because of the color of the pole.

  “Hondo, come here.” Hondo and Marcus both came over. Marcus filmed over my shoulder as I said, “What do you think?”

  Hondo studied it. “It’s him.”

  Marcus said, “You sure?”

  “It’s what we would do in the same situation.”

  “I don’t think that’s a real address,” Marcus said.

  I said, “He used a reverse on the numbers, but the street will be real.”

  “What’s that mean?”

  “The address starts with the last number first. You read it backwards.”

  “There’s still too many numbers.”

  I indicated a space between the numbers that was a little wider than the others were. “See that?”

  “Yeah…”

  “The street address stops here. These others can indicate something else, or may mean nothing at all and just be camouflage.”

  Marcus said, “How do you know?”

  “My, aren’t we Mr. Twenty Questions today?”

  Hondo stepped over and said to Marcus, “He’s irritable because we haven’t fed him this morning.” He leaned closer to Marcus and said in a lower voice, “It’s his tapeworm. You remember.”

  “Oh yeah,” Marcus nodded.

  “Would you quit that? I do not have a tapeworm. I have a very high metabolism and need to eat regularly to maintain my energy level.”

  Hondo put his fingers and thumbs together to make a circle the size of a large grapefruit. He looked through it at Marcus and the camera and said, “Thing’s this big around.”

  Marcus said, “Ack,” with the camera still rolling.

  “Okay you two,” I said, “We don’t have to get anything to eat. I’ll just starve if that’ll make you both happy.”

  Hondo smiled, “That, my brother, was the correct answer. Let’s go.”

  The address was a bus station in Culver City. Hondo said, “My guess, the other numbers are a locker.”

  I said, “Then the key won’t be there.”

  “We’ll locate the locker first, then see what happens after that.”

  We found a place to park and walked into the station. People were everywhere, some sitting, others standing, a few pacing back and forth and others asleep in the corners or on benches. The lockers were along the back wall.